“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12 NIV
I was sitting in church yesterday, overwhelmed with emotion. I was doing my best to keep my composure. Before the preacher even began to deliver his message, the text he read was the first chapter of 1 Samuel, which talks about Hannah and her experience with infertility. The sermon was entitled Hannah’s Song. I was already having a hard time this weekend, because this waiting thing is so difficult at times. As soon as I heard the title, my emotions welled up within me and were about to overflow. Crying is therapeutic, but I think it would become one of those deep guttural sobs, that I prefer to occur within the confines of my home. My husband and I were not even going to go to that particular church, but somehow ended up at one.
As of lately, I have been feeling this void within my heart, for my child (ren). The desire to become a mother is so intense and real, but it is hard to have no physical evidence that my dream will be realized within a few months. There are no ultrasound pics to view or fetal kicks to sense. Instead, our lives have been filled with paperwork, check writing, and constant prayer.
During the week, I try to keep myself emotionally together by becoming involved in my work. I try to be positive and encouraging towards my students and those I come in contact with. Little do they know that just under the surface is a woman who desires more than riches, gold, or fame to hold the child that God has for us. I am truly in a vulnerable state, at this portion of our adoption.
At the beginning of our marriage, my hubby and I had this “five-year plan” before we expanded our family. We wanted to travel, pursue our education, and just grow in our relationship as husband and wife. We had planned on using adoption as one of our methods for family expansion, perhaps after we had a biological child or two. We even talked about adopting, even if I had issues getting pregnant altogether. When God asked us to adopt last April, I initially struggled with the idea, because it was not the way my hubby and I had planned. We had planned on pursuing fertility testing and treatment in order to conceive. In my mind it was going to be like a “trial run” to see if I could conceive, since we already knew that I had some serious barriers to natural conception (PCOS/Endometriosis). It was evident that God wanted us to adopt first or as our primary method of family expansion.
In September of this year we met that five-year goal, which was an absolutely amazing time for us. I have been patiently waiting for this opportunity to become a mom and now it seems that we must continue to wait. All in all, adoption has always been on our radar, but who knew it was such a challenging process. I never could have ascertained the amount of faith that is required. When the preacher got up to speak yesterday, I felt as if he was pointing directly at me. From the pew I felt exposed, naked, vulnerable. It was as if my inner feelings and struggles were evident to the a sea of bodies around me.
Part of me wanted to get up and leave, to save myself the embarrassment of my makeup smudging or bloodshot eyes. As I reflect on my response, the truth of the matter is that this is often how humanity deals with God. For the past few weeks I have been praying fervently that God would take care of every single element of our adoption, such as the timing, finances, gender, health of our child, number of children etc. Truly, I have not really relinquished everything over to Him. I often find myself trying to plan out things that I have no control over. “How can I take off for maternity leave if the baby comes in the middle of the semester? ” or “What will do if don’t get an adoption grant?” These are two examples of the many questions that often bombard my mind, during my downtime.
It is evident that God spoke to me in a clear audible voice, through the pastor yesterday. I am still confounded and know that God brought us there. From the very fact that we were at the early service at the church we frequent and then had to leave because there were no seats left. It was evident that He had a message tailor-made for me.
While taking a religion class in college, I learned this acronym called coined by my professor, called F.A.I.T.H. It stands for Falling Aimlessly Into Trustworthy Hands. I have never forgotten it to this day. I believe that I am standing on the edge of the precipice that is my blessing. It is so deep the bottom cannot be found and so wide no measuring device can ascertain it. The key here is that I must take that leap of faith and allow God to take the reins of my life and adoption. That is something so hard for someone like me, who wants to plan every detail of my life. I truly believe that I am at a turning point in this process. It is called full surrender. God led us to hear that message because He wants to bless us and I cannot wait to see the end product. I believe that my dream will be fulfilled, in God’s timing! God bless
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